IVF: What to expect

When we first started trying, I assumed it would happen quickly and easily. We were in our early thirties and had no fertility issues (that I was aware of then) so it never occurred to me that we would struggle to fall pregnant. But a year on, and still not pregnant, I was becoming increasingly upset and frustrated. We decided to see a fertility specialist. She checked my egg quality and count and my husband’s sperm, and she did an ultrasound of my uterus. Everything came back ‘normal’. But to ensure I was ovulating regularly, she prescribed Clomid. Three months later, no pregnancy.

It was then some friends mentioned IVF. They told us that if we were having trouble conceiving, we could “just do IVF.” Problem solved. And I believed them. But it didn’t just magically happen for us. In fact, it took us six years to have our beautiful son, born through gestational surrogacy.  

Reflecting back, here’s some things I wish I had known before starting IVF.

It’s a marathon, not a sprint

I assumed that IVF would guarantee a baby, and the first IVF transfer would work. I think many of us assume this. But sadly, for many people, it takes multiple transfers. I think if you go into IVF with those expectations in mind, it will make it a bit easier if it doesn’t work right away.

It’s a waiting game

There’s lots of waiting when you’re in the throes of fertility treatment. Waiting for an appointment, waiting to get started, waiting for the right time to transfer, and of course, the dreaded Two Week Wait. Waiting can be tortuous. Especially the Two Week Wait, in my opinion. I always found it useful to keep busy, distract myself and do things that made me happy. Often that meant going for walks, catching up with friends, having a weekend away or binging a TV series. 

Self-care is crucial

There’s no sugar coating it, infertility is tough. It’s an emotional roller coaster. It can be emotionally and physically draining so be kind to yourself and put yourself first. Whether that means setting boundaries and saying no to certain things (i.e., baby showers, gender reveal parties) or doing something just for you.

The medication side effects can also be brutal. Everyone is different so you may have mild side effects, or you may experience a truck load. If it’s a lot, self-care is vital. Finally, I found therapy helpful. I first started seeing a therapist – who also did hypnosis – after our second pregnancy loss and she was instrumental in helping me heal and navigate the next chapter. 

Be your own advocate

It took me a while to advocate for myself but once I did, it was invaluable. Come to your appointments prepared with questions, do your research, talk to others going through IVF and get a second opinion if you feel you need it. You can read more in our article on advocating for yourself during fertility treatment.

Some people will get it, others won’t

I was shocked that so many people – who weren’t medical specialists – had an opinion. You may get tonnes of unsolicited advice from “You just need to relax” to “It will happen when you stop trying.” Comments like these are hurtful and ridiculous. Infertility is a reproductive disease that affects 1 in 6 couples worldwide. “Just relax” is not a medical cure.

Connect with others

Talking to someone who is also going through IVF can help you feel less alone. You may also learn about different treatment options. Wish for a Baby Australia is a great way to meet others going through the same journey as you and to also meet all the fertility specialists under the one roof. 

Be Your Own Advocate: Taking Control of Your Fertility Journey

So much of infertility is outside your control. It’s a medical condition that affects millions worldwide. But one of the very few things in your control, is to advocate for yourself. Not speaking up enough with our IVF specialists is one of my regrets during our journey. And advocating for yourself when people offer you “advice” is also crucial. It helps to protect your mental health. Whenever I was offered unsolicited advice, “You just need to relax”, I would privately get upset but in the moment, I stayed silent. It wasn’t until later on that I spoke up. 

When we first started IVF, my knowledge was limited. I trusted in the medical team, and I rarely asked questions. It wasn’t until our fourth cancelled IVF cycle (which I later learned was due to my thin endometrium lining), that a nurse remarked, “Your lining is a bit thin.”

This was during a monitoring scan. I had no idea why the lining was important, but her comment made me curious. I started to research, and I quickly learned that the endometrium lining is crucial to falling pregnant. As the wallpaper of the uterus, it becomes thicker with pregnancy so it’s ready to receive an embryo and support the placenta. 

Knowing this, we raised it with our IVF specialist. She dismissed it. She told us that plenty of people still get pregnant on a thin lining and that it wasn’t an issue. Not convinced, I continued to research, and I found out that with a lining under 6mm, it was extremely difficult to fall pregnant or sustain a pregnancy. A healthy lining is 10-12mm. My lining was measuring in the 4’s. We promptly booked a second opinion and I’ll be forever grateful we did. Our second IVF specialist immediately diagnosed me with a thin lining and told us that our best chance of having a baby was through gestational surrogacy. And thanks to his diagnosis, and gestational surrogacy, we now have our beautiful son.  

How to advocate for yourself

Arm yourself with knowledge

Online communities, blogs, books, and podcasts are invaluable in helping to expand your knowledge. And attending events like Wish for a Baby Australia, are extremely helpful. You’ll get plenty of invaluable information and you’ll have all the specialists under the one roof. 

Join a community

Talk to others going through infertility. Learn from their experiences. The #ttc community on Instagram is a great start. And you’ll meet other people going through the same journey as you at Wish for a Baby Australia.  

Come prepared to your appointments

Bring a checklist of questions. For example – What are the success rates (and for your age)? How many embryos make it to Blastocyst stage? What is egg donation? Sperm donation? What’s Pre-Genetic Screening (PGS)? There are so many questions you can ask. And at Wish for a Baby Australia, you can book a private appointment with an IVF specialist and ask all your questions. 

Take your time at your appointments

Don’t feel pressured to be rushed out the door. Go through your questions. And don’t stay silent if you don’t feel satisfied with an answer. Fertility treatment is one of the most emotional investments in your life. You have the right to take your time and to ask for clarification on anything you don’t understand.  

Get another opinion

Get a second or even third opinion if you think you need it. If we hadn’t got a second opinion, I’m not sure we would have ever had a child. 

Advocate for yourself when you’re offered unsolicited advice

Whenever someone would offer me ‘advice’ I would point out the facts: Infertility is a reproductive disease, a medical condition that impacts millions worldwide. And if I was feeling extra bold: “Relaxing is not a medical cure. Imagine telling someone who has cancer to ‘just relax’ and they would be cured. That would be hurtful and insulting. Infertility should be no different.”

Infertility and Mental Health: Coping with the Emotional Toll

*as featured in Wish for a Baby Australia

“It makes you think you can’t get pregnant because you are not worthy.”

“I felt sick and weighted with sadness and grief.”

“You feel emotionally destroyed. I describe it as getting to the end of the cycle and stepping off the cliff.” 

There are hundreds, thousands, tens of thousands of comments like these ones from people battling infertility. You can feel the devastation, grief, and vulnerability. And I know this because I was one of them. Over six years, my husband and I had countless failed IVF cycles and three pregnancy losses. We did have our happy ending though. We were blessed with our beautiful son in 2019, born through international gestational surrogacy. 

According to the World Health Organisation, “Infertility is a disease. Between 48 million couples and 186 million individuals live with infertility globally”. And yet, it’s often a silent heartbreak. Silence is perhaps one of the reasons research has shown that women dealing with infertility suffer high depression and anxiety levels. In one particular study, it showed that infertile women experience psychological symptoms, such as depression and anxiety, at the same level as cancer and cardiac rehabilitation patients. 

Reflecting on my own experience, the findings don’t surprise me. One thing I always struggled with was that everything felt outside my control. And that fertility treatment only guaranteed ‘the chance’ of having a baby. I also often felt sadness, anger, jealously and guilt. But whenever we received positive news, I always had a rush of excitement and adrenalin. Excitement one week and dread the next - working through those contrasting emotions, for years, was mentally exhausting. 

Many of us know that infertility is painful and often it’s all consuming. So it’s little surprise that it can take a significant toll you on your mental health. During our infertility journey, here’s what helped me: 

Say no.

Baby showers, gender reveal parties, first birthdays…These events can be torture. For me, baby showers always meant one thing: being surrounded by excited squeals and endless reminders of the one thing I didn’t have and desperately wanted. The one thing I was fighting so hard for. With my very good friends, I often went. But outside of those close friends, I didn’t go. If you are not close to the person, I doubt they will miss you. They’ll have plenty of other people there to celebrate with them. And if you are close to them, as a good friend, they should understand. 

Farewell social media.

After our second pregnancy loss, I deactivated my Facebook account. I hadn’t joined Instagram yet. My Facebook news stream was dominated with pregnancy announcements and baby photos. I would spend too much time scrolling through social media, feeling dreadful. Restricting my social media was liberating. 

Advocate for yourself.

We’ve all heard it before, “You just need to relax.” It still amazes me that so people, with no medical expertise, continue to offer unsolicited advice. Comments like these are ridiculous and hurtful. It took me a while at first, but whenever someone would offer me “advice” I would point out the facts: Infertility is a reproductive disease, a medical condition that impacts millions worldwide. And if I was feeling extra bold: “I’m not sure how relaxed women in war torn countries are. These women fall pregnant every day” or “Relaxing is not a medical cure. Imagine telling someone who has cancer to ‘just relax’ and they would be cured. That would be hurtful and insulting. Infertility should be no different.”

Therapy.

I found therapy extremely helpful. My therapist used a mix of Cognitive Behaviour Therapy and hypnosis. Given the impact infertility can have on relationships, I also know of many people who have found couple’s therapy a lifesaver. 

Self-care.

Do some things just for you, things you love doing. If I ever I need a self-care kick, I go for a long walk, binge a reality TV show, read a good book, or have a massage.

It’s OK to not be OK.

I think it’s imperative to acknowledge that infertility is incredibly painful. You will feel so many emotions like anger, jealously, and guilt…and that’s ok. It’s human to feel this way. Be kind to yourself. 

Connect with others.

Infertility can be lonely, but it doesn’t have to be. There are many people experiencing infertility. Find those people, talk to them, and lean on them for support. The #ttc community on Instagram is a good start. There are also some amazing resources like IVF babble. And of course, there are events like Wish for a Baby Australia where you’ll get the opportunity to meet others who are going through the same journey as you.