Infertility and Mental Health: Coping with the Emotional Toll

*as featured in Wish for a Baby Australia

“It makes you think you can’t get pregnant because you are not worthy.”

“I felt sick and weighted with sadness and grief.”

“You feel emotionally destroyed. I describe it as getting to the end of the cycle and stepping off the cliff.” 

There are hundreds, thousands, tens of thousands of comments like these ones from people battling infertility. You can feel the devastation, grief, and vulnerability. And I know this because I was one of them. Over six years, my husband and I had countless failed IVF cycles and three pregnancy losses. We did have our happy ending though. We were blessed with our beautiful son in 2019, born through international gestational surrogacy. 

According to the World Health Organisation, “Infertility is a disease. Between 48 million couples and 186 million individuals live with infertility globally”. And yet, it’s often a silent heartbreak. Silence is perhaps one of the reasons research has shown that women dealing with infertility suffer high depression and anxiety levels. In one particular study, it showed that infertile women experience psychological symptoms, such as depression and anxiety, at the same level as cancer and cardiac rehabilitation patients. 

Reflecting on my own experience, the findings don’t surprise me. One thing I always struggled with was that everything felt outside my control. And that fertility treatment only guaranteed ‘the chance’ of having a baby. I also often felt sadness, anger, jealously and guilt. But whenever we received positive news, I always had a rush of excitement and adrenalin. Excitement one week and dread the next - working through those contrasting emotions, for years, was mentally exhausting. 

Many of us know that infertility is painful and often it’s all consuming. So it’s little surprise that it can take a significant toll you on your mental health. During our infertility journey, here’s what helped me: 

Say no.

Baby showers, gender reveal parties, first birthdays…These events can be torture. For me, baby showers always meant one thing: being surrounded by excited squeals and endless reminders of the one thing I didn’t have and desperately wanted. The one thing I was fighting so hard for. With my very good friends, I often went. But outside of those close friends, I didn’t go. If you are not close to the person, I doubt they will miss you. They’ll have plenty of other people there to celebrate with them. And if you are close to them, as a good friend, they should understand. 

Farewell social media.

After our second pregnancy loss, I deactivated my Facebook account. I hadn’t joined Instagram yet. My Facebook news stream was dominated with pregnancy announcements and baby photos. I would spend too much time scrolling through social media, feeling dreadful. Restricting my social media was liberating. 

Advocate for yourself.

We’ve all heard it before, “You just need to relax.” It still amazes me that so people, with no medical expertise, continue to offer unsolicited advice. Comments like these are ridiculous and hurtful. It took me a while at first, but whenever someone would offer me “advice” I would point out the facts: Infertility is a reproductive disease, a medical condition that impacts millions worldwide. And if I was feeling extra bold: “I’m not sure how relaxed women in war torn countries are. These women fall pregnant every day” or “Relaxing is not a medical cure. Imagine telling someone who has cancer to ‘just relax’ and they would be cured. That would be hurtful and insulting. Infertility should be no different.”

Therapy.

I found therapy extremely helpful. My therapist used a mix of Cognitive Behaviour Therapy and hypnosis. Given the impact infertility can have on relationships, I also know of many people who have found couple’s therapy a lifesaver. 

Self-care.

Do some things just for you, things you love doing. If I ever I need a self-care kick, I go for a long walk, binge a reality TV show, read a good book, or have a massage.

It’s OK to not be OK.

I think it’s imperative to acknowledge that infertility is incredibly painful. You will feel so many emotions like anger, jealously, and guilt…and that’s ok. It’s human to feel this way. Be kind to yourself. 

Connect with others.

Infertility can be lonely, but it doesn’t have to be. There are many people experiencing infertility. Find those people, talk to them, and lean on them for support. The #ttc community on Instagram is a good start. There are also some amazing resources like IVF babble. And of course, there are events like Wish for a Baby Australia where you’ll get the opportunity to meet others who are going through the same journey as you.